Also known as: I Wear a Lot of Fucking Hats.

By far, the most popular post on this blog is the one about Doris Day’s hats. I’m sure it also has a great deal to do with the fact that the movie is in heavy rotation on TV and the costumes are unbelievably fabulous, but I also like to think it has something to do with her hats. All those beautiful motherfucking hats.

Well, in this year of miserable milestones, where I still can’t quite bring myself to make a dress that isn’t black or gray, the one colorful thing that I still feel comfortable wearing are ridiculous hats. And maybe it was having watched that movie a few years back, but I’ve become completely obsessed with ridiculous novelty hats in the past couple years. So much so, that I’ve had to move them down into my sewing room because there is not enough storage in our bedroom anymore.

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Now first, this is not how to store your hats. Don’t do as I do. This is a horrible way to store vintage hats. Except for the clown painting. Always store you hats near a clown painting.

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I guess you could say some of it started with this hat. This is a remake of the classic “sunglasses hat” that was popular in the 60s. I have no idea what the real name was for these, and since many of them were made in Italy, it was probably something Italian and clever. ¡Cappello Incognito! I’m just making that up, but I’d totally see a movie by that name if there was one (there probably is one). Anyhow, Kate Spade remade them recently and while it’s often hard to find the originals, you can find one of the Kate Spade ones pretty easily. This was my gateway drug.

But eventually, I knew I needed to get an original. So last year I came across a lot of three of these hats. Three different colors, the same hat. Well, me and two of my friends were both in the market for an original sunglasses hat and we knew this auction would go for a chunk of change, so we pooled our resources and bought the hats together.

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Then there was this tall-crown eyelash hat. It’s almost looks like a majorette hat, doesn’t it?

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Then when I found this set, I flipped out. This was the kind of eBay auction that makes you suddenly superstitious and nutty. I was watching it obsessively and wouldn’t even speak of it until I had won it and it arrived safely. But it’s magnificent, isn’t it?

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And Mr. Moe’s hat is pretty fabulous here as well, huh? He’s my King.

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I bought this one at Tiki Oasis from the wonderful Clever Vintage Clothing. I think this may be one of my all time favorites. It’s so fun and stylish, yet it goes with so many things. I even wear it to work sometimes.

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Continuing the fishing theme, I found this whimsical one with seahorses and starfish and a red net over the top of it all. So fun!

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So much fun I ended up buying another, almost identical. Yes, this is where I begin to notice I have a problem. Why do I need two of these? I don’t know. But there you have it.

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dream-pet-hat

Remember what I was saying about those eBay auctions you get highly superstitious about? I nearly lost my mind over this. I didn’t even really believe it was real until it was sitting atop my head. Eyelash and yes that is a motherfucking Dream Pet on the top of it, wearing yet another jaunty little eyelash hat. My hat is wearing a hat. And that sassy little octopus even has his own pet lobster on a pearl chain leash. The hat has two labels inside, one from Italy and one from Florida, so I am guessing this was someone’s genius custom creation. Hats like this make me glad to be alive.

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It’s a holly jolly forest of Christmas trees! This collection started with one of the smaller ones. I bought it for a holiday dinner with The Dames aux Gateaux and figured it must be some sort of one-of-a-kind crazy-lady craft project. But then a few months later, I found two more of them! And one of them slightly larger. So this must have been a thing! Was it a craft kit they sold? Or just one of the world’s most charming and absurd holiday hat trends? I don’t know and I don’t care because I love them!

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I’m really not a fan of the color pink but you know what I am a fan of? Straw pom-poms! Sure, it doesn’t really go with anything I own, but when a hat is this delightful, what doesn’t it go with? Well, perhaps it doesn’t go with a frown. Because how could you be sad with this atop your head?? You can’t. So stop trying, fool.

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Now I bring you to my hat missteps. There is nothing wrong with these hats, it’s just that they don’t quite look right on my head. I suppose I should have known that a heathen like me should never try to wear an Easter Bonnet, but that is all my fault.

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This little cone hat actually snaps in back, presumably so you could flatten it and toss it in a bag. Or maybe it doubles as a matt to eat your lunch off of? It’s adorable, but alas, not for me. But my loss could be your gain! I’m going to be selling both of these on July 19th at the Phyllis Diller Day Vintage Clothing Sale in Alameda, CA.

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Lastly, there is this triumph of the pom-pom. No, this one is not for sale, but I saved it for last because believe it or not, I haven’t actually worn this one in public yet (wandering around in the yard in my pajamas with the dogs with this atop my head doesn’t count). This is yet another sign that I have a hat problem. When you have more hats than occasions to wear them, it’s time to start creating more reasons to wear them. You didn’t think I was going to say stop buying them, did you? Pshh.

So there you have it, my novelty hat collection. I guess I should mention that this doesn’t include my feathered hats or some of the others that don’t quite fall into this category. But that will just have to wait for another day. You’re probably exhausted by now, anyhow, aren’t you? I’m exhausted. I’m gonna go put on a hat and go enjoy the day!

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